My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
