You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
