epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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