You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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