I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
