I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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