i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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