I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
