Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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