Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
