I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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