If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
