I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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