I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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