I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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