you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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