Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
