o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
