2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
