dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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