saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
