I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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