shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
