just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I smell stomach acid.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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