Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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