Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
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It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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