my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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