Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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