Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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