I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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