Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
