I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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