unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
