worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I need moral support for this bender
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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