My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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