Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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