you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
