Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
