This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
