Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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