i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
