why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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