I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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