So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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