so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
