Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
