I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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