I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
