I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Be still, my beating vagina.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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