I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
