As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
These tits shall not be calmed
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
