I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
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She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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