she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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