it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
