if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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