i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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